After a series of events this year and in my persistent efforts to trust in God's will i have finally felt like i am letting go of Big. Maybe i'm thinking about this because i have experienced so many firsts in this city with the greatest love of my life (to date). Maybe it's the nostalgia. We had been so connected and our happiness together was so tied up in our dreams and our efforts to get him to the US or at least figure a way to get us in the same place.
New York was the first stop. I remember when he didn't know our friends' address in Manhattan and Big actually wrote "Fulton Street" on the customs form! Oh the influences of hiphop ;) I could imagine the way he thought it would be here and i remember fearing when he would realize the reality was much different.
But none the less, we loved it and loved being in love here. Each time he came to the states he flew thru NY and we'd spend time here together. Even in a diverse city like that we attracted stares and comments. Welcome to America! I will always remember walking the streets with him, the Illy Cafe, Brooklyn shopping, Senegalese restaurants, first time i saw the ring he was buying me... i'll go ahead n stop there.
Oh the Lord has brought me so far. When my last ex, the one i was in NY with, and i broke things off it was truly the first breakup in three years that i didn't grieve Big again. Of course i still think of him. It's sad knowing that Paco's passing away was what really spurred conversation between us again. And being with him in Miami in August was a blessing in so many ways. If i end up with a man half as wise and caring i will have surpassed any expectation my mind could have ever created before.
I think that in our shared "dream" i learned how people/places/things can represent something much greater. Just 3 weeks ago i was in Haiti with my baby, Isaac. I played Jay-Z's Empire State of Mind over and over for him. I told him how one day i'd take him to NY and how the possibilities for him will be endless. With these experiences i've seen just what a city can represent... it's really not about the place, it's about the DREAM.
Home is where the heart is. And i'm really good at leaving my heart in far away places. My heart right now lives in Port-au-Prince, but in all reality isn't even of this earth.
In the meantime, i'm going be strong and grateful for the love i have for this city that represents people like Big and Isaac and myself. I'm going to shop for my baby and think of him often. I enjoy the ironies that my other ex, who i talk to regularly, is possibly being traded to the Yankees as i write this. And i'm here with a girl that i met in Africa to celebrate her birthday - it's her 1st time in the city and i get to share that with her :-)
No comments:
Post a Comment