In the last month in church before i left KC, pastor spoke on feeling alone based on your experiences. But then i think about how many transformations i've been thru and witnessed. There's a common bond in that even tho all of our experiences and pains are different. God cannot be explained. He has to be revealed. Pastor reminded us that our pain is a measure of the amount of power in our lives. In these times we find direction and clearer purpose. All the other BS falls back.
So, i was accepted to Thunderbird Global School of Management last summer. A dream of mine. It's so interesting to see the progression. I deferred a year because of the promotion at one of my jobs at the time. The plan was to attend in Fall '10 and hopefully finish my degree before Isaac got his visa to come home. Well, we all know that our plans never go quite as planned.
An earthquake and a series, nothing short of, miraculous events brought my babyboy to me. No more frequent trips to Haiti. Sad. But days filled with absolute happiness i didn't know existed before. His ways were revealed. People often imply my life is SO different or ask if it's been hard. Honestly, no. The sacrifices i've made for him don't even compare to the rewards. EVERYthing comes with an opportunity cost.
So as 2010 progressed, i became closer (and further) from many friends. Trying times bring out how much people really care. At some point i felt that if i could survive an earthquake and devastation of that magnitude, i could conquer a new city, school, job, etc. with a toddler. On my own. And i still know that i can.
But in the mix of it all i fell in love. Yeah. Ha. The kind that i've only felt twice before. And after the last one, i seriously doubted even HE would bless me with that deep of a feeling again. Maybe i don't need it. You know, i have it all. The house, the car, the travel, wonderful relationships, the freedom, and now a beautiful boy. I could be my own pop song about the independent woman. As a matter of fact, i've had numerous songs come out that people say actually make them think of me.
Where am i going with this? Well i understand there's great power in a strong woman. A strong human being for that matter. How many women are superwoman these days and doing it all, only to sacrifice real contentment and purpose? Or settle for a man not even going half as hard as she is? Life is about balance. So many of life's greatest romances were those who celebrated each others differences and realized that two can do better than one.
Love is funny. And so illogical at times. But we are often reminded to be "rational" or use our "common sense". Common sense only leads to common people. And "being realistic is the most commonly travelled road to mediocrity" - Will Smith
I've often wrote about my heart residing somewhere far away. It was in Italy, then Haiti. As i write this, Isaac is in KC and i won't see him for two more days. There are those i love in all different places. As i packed up my home in KC i thought about so many memories, but it isn't my home, it's my HOUSE. And i really love that house. The molding, the character, the porch. But I also love Arizona. Something about being somewhere new thrills me. Getting out of my own comfort zone is tough, yet gratifying.
I almost didn't come to Arizona. I planned, in my head, to move to be with my love. Don't get me wrong, i didn't plant that idea. It was brought to my attention over the last month or so. But as i drove cross country, with my music, God's scenery, and so many conversations with my dearest friends, i searched to find where my heart really lies. My priorities are GOD and family, whatever my family is meant to look like. I aspire to do great things, but not at the cost of missing out on too much time with those i love. Being an independent woman has taught me that sometimes the hardest thing is to sacrifice or compromise your plans and desires for someone else. And in the midst of all this thinking and praying i realized that my dreams and desires had changed.
So here i am in AZ. I've withdrawn from the Thunderbird program. It was an honor to be accepted in the first place. I'm thinking i will apply to ASU's online MBA program starting in the spring. It's nowhere near the prestige. But it's highly accredited and so much more flexible for me to support people in my life. And i plan to explore other job options as well.
Life is nothing without love. In whatever form that it comes in. My desire is to be genuine with what i give. And to take time for myself. I look forward to the possibility of seeing family for more holidays, still traveling some, spending time with my good friends here in Phoenix, taking Isaac to new places, spending more time with him and teaching him, and supporting other loves in my life. The possibilities are endless. "Whoever pursues righteousness and unfailing love will find life, righteousness, and honor" - Proverbs 21:21
When i went to Focus on the Family in the Springs years ago, i read a book called Margin. When we learn to let there be space between our goals and aspirations we realize we cannot do everything we want to do. We don't try. But it allows us to figure out what we really want most out of life. And when you sacrifice for something the reward is oh so much sweeter.
So that is my story of an ambitious girl. Aspirations to be the highest i can be. With hopes that someone else is preparing the same way as me. Inshallah.
